S I S Y P H U S

 

I've had a love/hate relationship with IKEA since my mom bought her first set of bookshelves there nearly 40 years ago. She still has them and they look just fine. This I love. The hate part is the rat maze they drive you through every section of the store -- unless you master the shortcuts (which I finally have!)

We are getting our new kitchen cabinets there, so I am here to advise you, should you ever consider such an endeavor, how to navigate the process in 20 long steps:

1. Discover the shortcuts from the entrance to the kitchen design section and back out again. You will be visiting multiple times, and unless you need 20,000 steps a day, this will save you.
   
2. On your first trip in consideration of a new kitchen, stop at at least 3 configurations and open every single drawer and door. Pay some attention.
   
3. Pick up all of the Buying Guides: Kitchens (for the 50,000 foot overview). For the details, pick up the following: Cabinets, Fronts, Organizers, Knobs & Handles; Appliances (made by Whirlpool with a 5-year warranty); and Countertops, Sinks & Faucets. You will pore over these for months before you scratch the surface of the (damned near endless) possibilities.
   
4. Also pick up the Lighting Guide and the Kitchen Installation Guide. These will discourage you, at first glance, after you've seen all the other possibilities from the previous Buying Guides. Hang in there.
   
5. If you are like me, it will take you a month to discover what the Buying Guides are trying to show you about how awesome your kitchen can be. You will need to read and re-read, and cross-reference each one, every day for at least 4 hours. Your brain will begin to comprehend.
   
6. With your limited knowledge of the endless possibilities of your new kitchen, you will need to venture to IKEA. Bring your pots, pans, baking sheets (or at least measurements of them), to make sure they will fit into your new appliances, sink and cabinets. Make sure your refrigerator shelves can actually be washed in your sink without machinations (and water on the countertops and floor). [Here's where the fun starts]
   
7. Measure your kitchen -- at least 5 times. If you've gutted it, make sure you're accounting for the thickness of your drywall, flooring, ceiling height, etc.
   
8. Okay. If you've come this far, perhaps you're willing to go a bit further. Create an online profile (free). If you think someone is going to use your info for nefarious purposes, you don't belong here on Social Media anyway.
   
9. March into IKEA (and all its shortcuts) with purpose. Go to the Kitchen section and ask for a computer so you can build your dream kitchen online -- in the cloud (you can always change it later).
   
10. Spend 3+ hours getting a final framework of the ideas you've been building. Only to discover that you suck as a Kitchen Designer, but with the knowledge that you have done your due diligence. Be encouraged by the salesperson who assures you that you're doing it right, because most people walk in and think they can design a kitchen in an hour because, "It's IKEA!"
    
11. Know that you are close to completing your order because you've done your due diligence. 
    
12. Go home. Think about it. Sleep on it. Dream about it. Wake up and realize you still don't get the whole "drawer within a hidden drawer" thing (what actually fits underneath that hidden drawer? And if it's only takeout menus, why the hell am I building a kitchen??)
    
13. Go back home. Discover that in your 5 measurements, you didn't see the sink drain pipe that sits right where the dishwasher is supposed to be. Panic, but only briefly. Call a plumber and see if he can fix the problem in the next 4 days, because you've got a crew installing drywall on Day 5. Calm down when he says, "Yes."
    
14. Go back to IKEA. Start your design from scratch -- with your new measurements and your new understanding of cabinet drawer configurations (That whisk, and that ladle. They're really going to fit in there?) IKEA has lots of these things around in their vignettes. Go grab as many utensils as you can find, shove them in that "inner drawer" and see if they "really" fit -- and how).
    
15. Go back home. Revisit your plan. Realize that, while you haven't messed up anything as far as the HVAC guys and the plumber are concerned, your "filler" pieces aren't quite in the right place. Make notes on your plan.
    
16. Okay, now is the time to dig deep for the Spendthrift in you. (If you can't dig that deep, I can't help you). If you spend at least $X on your kitchen you will receive a 15% discount of the pre-tax amount, in the form of a gift card you can only spend at IKEA.
    
17. Now, you have to do math. $X x 1.Y (where Y is your local sales tax as a percentage), will tell you the ultimate price you have to pay. And $X x .15 is the amount you can still spend at IKEA. The key is to reduce X by enough so you pay the least amount possible, yet still have enough of the 15% to get everything you need. This is difficult when a lot of good, quality, practical things are $4.99/6-pk.
    
18. Okay, so now you've figured out that you've spent enough money to afford the lights you wanted to get elsewhere (because they cost less), but now you've spent so much, that you may as well get them here, because you really don't need 500 100-pk. tealight candles.
    
19. Next to last steps. Start shopping in your mind (via the catalogue) for all the things you would not have otherwise bought at IKEA, but now you realize you can't live without (because, well, you can't spend this money anywhere else). You may even have to traverse the entire store (no shortcuts), take photos and create an Excel spreadsheet. Once your drywall is up, you will feel compelled to measure one last time (now that you can better visualize things and are able to write measurements on the actual surface).
    
20. Go to IKEA on the last day of the sale, where (undoubtedly) there will be 500 other people who followed your exact plan. You will stand in line for hours waiting to pay for your cabinets, then you will have to traverse the store for all the stuff you're going to buy with your gift card, and then you will have to stand in line for another hour to check out (because they have 50 registers, but only ever have 5 open). And don't forget that they don't have bags. You'll have to buy one or bring your own -- or have 16 arms to carry everything.

BONUS: Since you are now an IKEA Family Member, you get a free ice cream cone. But you'll have to go back upstairs to the Cafe for that -- and then shortcut your way back out.

You're welcome.